Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
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Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
I want to meet the individual who made this
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
“no gods no masters” = leo
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
smh
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
My astrological sign is KFC gravy