I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
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Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.