I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
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My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.