Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
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[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.