I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.