I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
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WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.