Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
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What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.