Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
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My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Time for evil
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.