I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
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Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?