If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
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I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
*sewing*
A thread
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Good morning!