If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
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Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Milk Cube
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*