I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
You Might Also Like
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?