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December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years