When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
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Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.