2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
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Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”