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What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.