Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
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[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
He took my last fry, your honor
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.