“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
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Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.