Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
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If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.