[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
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No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep