[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
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Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.