Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
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Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
#JohnTravolta
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?