i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
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parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent