Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
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I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
My dog learned how to text
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.