Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
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Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”