Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
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Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.