Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? ๐๐๐
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SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: Cโmon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* Iโm trying! I donโt feel the remote anywhere.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, itโs not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] iโm not sure what u mean
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, itโs time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said itโs time, any lastโah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleepโฆ
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Me: I really like your glasses. Theyโre so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldnโt be allowed to speak ๐
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that theyโll โnever get away with thisโ and they didnโt get it.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
I never needed anything more in my life
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Iโm married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, Iโll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
“Ooh, youโve caught the sunโ
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano