Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
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Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.