[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
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Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
those birds must be on payroll
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Good morning, Twitter 😊
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?