FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
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“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Twitter is the new flypaper.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…