Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
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wtf is an acronym
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
is this a threat
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.