If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
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[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap