‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
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“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.