i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
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GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
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It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.