Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
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Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Someone just threatened to call me later
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.