My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
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The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner