While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
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Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
I ate everything, including the H.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.