You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
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Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
…u ok Nintendo?
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.