I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
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BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
his wife is probably gonna see that
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’