[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
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[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming