Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
You Might Also Like
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
They’re not wrong
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.