7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
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She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
huge if true: the moon
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!