I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
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You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it