Owl Sanctuary
You Might Also Like
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.