My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
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maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*