pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
You Might Also Like
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.