The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
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Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
multitasking lunch
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.