Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
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[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs