Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
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The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come