my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
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In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?